How the Zim Stole Xmas
by tere moto the sentry
Summary: I know this sort of thing has been done before, but I had my own twist to put on it. Parody of Dr. Suess's "How the Grinch Stole Christmas".


Author's Note: Merry Christmas 2008! Here's my gift to the fans. I know it's a little rushed and a little corny in some parts, but here you go.

Disclaimer: Jhonen Vasquez owns "Invader ZIM" and the late Dr. Seuss owns "How the Grinch Stole Christmas".

How the Zim Stole X-mas

_Get out the trees and Poop Cola_

_Crazy tacos and Bloaty's pizza_

_Get out Delishus Weenies and stuff_

_And Explodey Beans and such…_

_Hang toy moosies on from the ceiling_

_Brain Freezies spilled on the floor_

_And every ornamental piggy on the blessed X-mas tree_

_X-mas comes tomorrow, and we're not ready!_

Every human in the city liked X-mas a lot

But Zim, who lived just north of the city, did not

Zim hated X-mas—the whole X-mas season

Please don't ask why—not even he knew the reason

It could be perhaps that his boots were too tight

It could be that his PAK wasn't screwed on just right

But I think that the biggest reason of all

May have been that his Squeedily Spooch was two sizes too small

But whatever the reason—his shoes or his organs

He stood there on X-mas Eve, hating those humans

Staring out with a terrible scowl on his face

At the warm, lighted windows right outside his base

"And they-re hanging their gym socks," he snarled with a sneer

"Tomorrow is X-mas—they just had one last year!"

Then he growled with his gloved fingers nervously drumming

"Zim _will_ find a way to stop X-mas from coming! For tomorrow I know

All those human pig-smellies will wake bright and early

They'll shove candy down to their bellies

And they'll scream with all that joy

And one thing I hate—all that joy, joy, joy, joy!"

"And they'll gobble down taquitos and spin around until they barf

They'll build a snowman with coal eyes and a scarf

They'll play their new Gameslaves

And other junk their parents gave

They'll play games like Zombie Piggy Hunter and Undead Moose

And Dib will come asking for a temporary truce"

"And then those humans, after playing with their CDs, games, and ponies

will eat and they'll eat, and they'll eat, eat, eat

They'll eat corn chip pudding

They'll carve the Roast Bologna!

Raw Roast Bologna is a feast I can't stand in the least!"

"And then, all those humans, the tall and the small

will gather around and start screaming, for no reason at all!

And they'll scream and they'll scream and they'll scream, scream, scream!"

And the more Zim thought about it, the more he growled

"I must stop this whole thing! For the whole three years I've put up with this now!

Zim will stop X-mas from coming—but how?"

Then he got an idea, a doomful idea

The Irken got a wonderful, doomful idea

"I'll build another Santa mech like the one last year

Only bigger, mightier, causing more fear!

But this time, joy will give me more control

I'll empty stockings and fill them with coal"

He toiled tirelessly, and when he was done

He needed a reindeer, but couldn't find one

Then his robot "dog" GIR, in a green reindeer suit

Leapt into the room and squealed, "Ain't I cute?"

Zim laughed evilly and said, "We're all set!

The Voot Runner flies, and GIR has his jets"

So then he called out after packing the "sleigh"

"To the Voot Runner, GIR! Phase Two's underway!"

So off they flew, the insane little pair

And crashed into Zim's least favorite house on the square

"It's the Dib-stink's dwelling! We're right on track!

Well start here—GIR, stop eating the sacks!"

Finding no chimney, he blasted a hole in the roof

And jumped and landed on the floor with an "oof"

He scrambled to his feet and descended one floor

And tried to shove the X-mas tree right out the door

He pushed and pushed, but as he rose to his toes

He heard a shrill sound like the shrieking of crows

He froze at once, and around he did spin

To see little Gaz-human, who was no more than ten

She glared at the Irken and said,

"Zim, put down our tree or I'll tear off your head!"

Zim wasn't really that smart of a guy

But in a half-hour's time, he thought up a lie

"Why my sweet little worm-baby," the fake Santa lied

"There are some pine needles here that are uneven on one side

So I'm taking it home to my base, stupid girl

I'll prune it up there, and then I'll rule the world"

Gaz wasn't fooled, but Zim patted her head

And he got her a Poop Cola and shoved her to bed

And when Gaz's threats to him finally stopped

He crept to the doorway and beamed the tree up

Then he loaded gifts and possessions into the Voot

And squeezed in somehow in his big clunky suit

And the one decoration that he let be

Was a rug one which GIR had to go pee

He did the same with the other houses—by roof hole or ladder

Leaving other people's rugs victimized by GIR's bladder

He plundered and took everything—even trash

Why Zim even took the last can of Poop Hash!

Then—Voot Runner full—he took to the skies

And set off for space with a glint in his eyes

He left the atmosphere at light speed

Then he laughed wickedly at his horrible deed

He readied a satellite dish on a whim

"Let us hear their sobbing—victory for Zim!"

He aimed the dish, and with and earphone close

Waited for the gift that _he_ wanted most

He did hear a sound—not sobs and not cries

But the usual screams shooting up from the skies

"They're _happy_?" Zim yelled, "I've got to be dreaming!"

But little GIR whispered, "You think_ that's_ why they're screaming?"

Zim struggled to turn in his heavy disguise

And saw tears coming from GIR's cyan-blue eyes

"I may not know much, and I'm not that alert

But I know feelings, Zim, and I know when they're hurt"

"Those aren't _happy_ screams, they're all in dismay

You can't take X-mas—you just ruined their day"

"Instead of taking, why not just give?

You'll enjoy it much more if you live and let live"

And what happened then—well, as GIR would always say

Zim's small Squeedily Spooch grew three sizes that day

And then the true meaning of X-mas came through

He put the Voot in "Drive", and back to Earth they flew

He soared through the city with a light in his soul

And GIR handed back all that his master stole

With "Merry X-mas" and a few warm smiles

Zim decided finally to go one extra mile

Armed with a card and a gift-wrapped moose

He knocked on Dib's door and asked, "Holiday truce?"


End file.
